Number 40

Well, whaddaya know? This is officially the 40th post on FR! Seems almost like yesterday when I first created this place. Now it's been almost 6 months since its birth. I didn't think I'd make it this far in the beginning, so this is an achievement of sorts for me. I can only hope that this blog's sister, FF will do just as well. To those of you who come here and read this from time to time, as well as post comments, thank you very much.

I had an unbelievable week. Unbelievable because there were so many things going on. Not all of them were positive. But things are better now. I wouldn't want to talk about it too much, so let me tell you some other things.

Firstly, that girl from my office whom I thought wouldn't come back till tomorrow, returned to work on Friday. And thankfully things aren't as bad between us as I had initially thought. But I know complications are far from over. It's all about timing and circumstances. I will have to choose them well.

I went to watch World Trade Center yesterday, that new film from Oliver Stone about what happened on 9/11. I plan on putting up the review on FF soon. What I can say right now about it though, is that it's not about terrorism. It's about courage during desperate hours. And it is somewhat inspiring in that sense. A good movie to watch. Though sitting in that freezing cineplex for 150 minutes was not pleasant haha. I gotta wear something thicker next time.

Been looking around the blog circle, and not much is going on. I wonder where everyone is. I suppose this is a sign that I should spend less time online and more time doing what I seem to have neglected doing for a while. But as Arnie said in his films: "I'll be back."

See you soon, my fellow bloggers;)

What's Going On?

I don't like this. Not at all. Not when it's beyond my comprehension, beyond my control. Things are changing. I want to be mature about this and handle it the best I can. I know a friend of mine would do just that, she's very good at it. But right now, she's part of the problem.

Today isn't a good day for me. Had just too much on my mind, and some people I care about are either in crisis, or they're giving me a crisis to worry about. Spoiling my mood, making me anxious, making me wonder what the hell is happening. Or why it is happening at all. I can deal with this, but it's gonna take some time.

I need answers. I get the feeling that I already know them, and I don't like it. God help me.

24

My entry title isn't very creative, is it? Yeah, I'm not very good at naming my entries, I admit. Ira is an expert at this. Until the day I read her blog entry called Lacrimation, I never knew there was such a word. THAT'S how good she is.

So on to the reason I'm writing this. In the past 24 hours or so, I've been looking around me. The real world and the virtual one. A lot of things happening. Some predictable, some totally unexpected. The former would relate to being in an empty office. It was a Monday, and probably the quietest Monday I've ever had at the office. Felt like Saturday, but it wasn't. And I still had to work till 5pm. Hmph.

What else? Hmm.....discovered a few new blogs made by some people I know. Learning some things about them in the process. Getting caught up in the middle of something new, something I didn't think could happen. But the fact that it did somehow makes things clearer if it wasn't before. There's a small problem though, some things still need to be ironed out. I am hoping it will be sorted out soon, or it could get sticky as time progresses.

But ultimately, the stuff happening to me and my friends in the past 24 hours has made me realise that things are not as smooth as they seem. I used to think everyone else had it under control somewhat, and I was the one messed up in my head. Now it's almost the other way around. But we're all human, and they are not immune to problems, they're like me. I was aware of all this, maybe all this time I thought they had better control over things.

It's been hard, actually. Sitting at this desk, watching the world come undone on this screen, seeing your friends wrestling with their fears, doubts and insecurities. It's hard because I can't just sit back and do nothing, even if I'm not the one with the answers they seek. Even if I'm not the one they usually turn to. Somehow, I have to try and help. Reach out for them. I know some of you are already thinking about telling me that I don't have to, because it's not my job. But I choose to do this, it's a part of me that I can't deny. At the very least, I should try. Who knows what'll happen.

Things are starting to change again. Don't know if it will be good or bad. Maybe I'll let you know when the dust settles.

The Holidays

Guess where everyone is? Well, if you meant the people in my office, half of them are either on their way back to their hometown or already back in their hometown. It was Deepavali yesterday, and Aidilfitri is on Tuesday and Wednesday. That gives the incentive for half of my colleagues to take the whole week off and come back on the 30th.

And where does that leave the people NOT celebrating those 2 occasions including me? Back to work. Yup. We're a shipping company run by Chinese, so there's no rest for us. The other 3 days of the week are working days for us. Oh well, that's ok. I know I'm not the only one amongst you who have to work this week. So I'm not really bitter about that. I guess I'm just missing that one person who won't be around.

But when I really think about it, maybe this is my opportunity to get that person off my mind temporarily. It's been hard to do so lately, so not having her presence for 9 days could be useful. Speaking of her, I think I may be able to work things out somehow. I'm not saying I got a solution, just thinking positively right now. Not putting too much hope, just thinking positively. And that's always a good thing.

I do hope I get my salary by the end of next week. I've been very diligent in tightening my purse strings, amidst all the cool stuff I've been wanting to get lately. If only the world wasn't controlled by the almighty dollar or whatever currency you use. That'd be great, wouldn't it?

Selamat Hari Raya to you, Ira. Coming up.....Christmas;)

Ignorance

They say ignorance is bliss. Do you think that's true? Well actually, yeah it is. Sort of. But I prefer answering that question with "it depends". It depends on what kind of situation you're in.

Ignoring is actually a very powerful act. It involves closing your senses and saying to yourself "I don't give a damn. I don't care. So get lost already." Or something close to that. If you can keep that up long enough, you can make almost anyone leave you the hell alone. Or make them lose the power they think they have over you. I remember being at a forum a few years ago where someone kept posting porn and vulgarity over and over. He even hacked the page links so that we wouldn't be able to read the threads. So we at the forum decided to ignore him together, and do whatever it takes to push his junk away. And after a while, it worked. He's history. This is what we had to do when moderators were non-existent.

So where in our world does ignorance not work? When you keep trying to do just that but you don't feel the bliss? It's when you don't really want to do it, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Because you just can't say no to it. You can't turn a blind eye and walk away. It's hard because you have no intention of ignoring it, but you know deep down you need to, or the feeling will just eat you alive.

Ignorance isn't working for me right now. Because ignorance means not caring. And that's my problem, because I care too much.

Attention Readers!

Yeah, I'm talking to you. The ones who keep coming here to read FR. Yes, specifically the four of you who so generously leave comments on FR (you know who you are). This is the one time I would really appreciate input from all of you.

I'm planning to start a blog on movies. As in reviewing movies I've watched. It can be any movie I've seen at the cinema, on TV or on video. I'll tell you what I think, and maybe recommend the film, or not. But I'm still in the planning stage, don't know if this will work, or if anyone will want to read it, or if I'd even have the time to do this regularly.

But I do need input, as in presentation and content. I need ideas. Mr Kohl has given me something, and he was the one who reminded me that watching movies was something I loved to do. I know that this may not be useful or interesting to most of you, but we'll see. It depends on what you tell me.

So please, tell me what you think. Even if it's stupid, or you think my idea is stupid. Tell me, por favor.

To Remember Or To Forget

There are some things that should be remembered. And there are some things that should be forgotten. But sometimes, these two things intertwine. When there are some things you want to forget, but can't. And it's not about how to forget them, it's about why we remember it in the first place.

I know I'm being annoyingly cryptic, but it's no less real than how I feel now. When I think about the stuff I want to put out of my mind, things that keep my imagination going into hyperdrive, things that make me fear the probability of obsession...it just scares me. Depresses me. Makes me question the reality around me. I start thinking of why I can't beat the feeling inside, why I can't overcome it. I know I can be strong. So why is it hard?

Well, at the risk of sounding naive, maybe there's a reason for it. Maybe there's a reason I am remembering this. Maybe this feeling exists for a reason. Maybe someone up there wants me to feel this way. Maybe I'm supposed to suffer. Suffer long enough till I find a way to make it right. Or maybe all the suffering is just in my head and this is just a nightmare. But if it isn't, then maybe I'm remembering things because I need to put an end to it. Because maybe things aren't as bleak as they seem, and I will eventually find a way out and make everything right and everyone will be happy once more.

That's a lot of maybe's. I guess nothing is for certain. But this is one of those times when I wish I was certain about some things. And when I have certainty, forgetting and remembering will not cross each other again.

Online Company

The Internet is amazing, isn't it? By just wiring your computer to a phone line and a few taps of your keyboard, and you're connected to everyone in the world that's on the web. In here, distance is irrelevant. And to some people, so is your identity. You can pretend to be anyone and get away with it. Or not. Depends on how good you are at lying. But despite all its flaws, it makes the world seem smaller and enables everyone to stay in touch, which is good.

I've met an eclectic bunch of people on the net. The nice, the rude, the hyper, the polite, the shy ones who are so few of words, the talkative etc. It's been enlightening, to say the least. And this past week, I've come across some people who surprisingly I have not made much of an effort to know closer for a while now. Guess that's what happens when you keep hanging out with the same people. So I'm broadening my horizons.

And altogether there were about four or five people I've talked to online this week whom I have not made contact with in a while. Quite a fascinating series of encounters, I must say. Learned many things I never knew before about them. Some were quite disconcerting, however. But I guess you can't make everyone happy, and they can't always live up to your expectations either. The stuff that you learn isn't always pretty or rosy. But it's always good to know these things. Information is power. Yes. Even when it concerns things like attitude and personality.

But the truth is, the online experience has only made me want more. Made me want to break out of this place and travel. To see the world that only seems possible through my computer screen at the moment. Ironically this gives a new meaning to the term "so near yet so far". Near virtually yet far in reality. But that's reality for you. So live in your fantasies for a while. It's all right.

Words

I watch her smile as she listens to her friend
While my aching heart continues to no end

Things weren't the way before the way they are now
And as much as I ponder, I can't figure out how

How something good could suddenly turn bad
How my mistake is driving me mad

I knew she was special, the first time she came
She wasn't like her friends, not quite the same

Her pretty face shone behind her uncanny eyes
Sometimes her look would catch me by surprise

We got along well, or so I thought
But now whatever she thinks of me is what I'm not

What have I done to let it become this way
What can I do now to make her stay

But I guess this is how it's meant to be
Because after all this time, she doesn't see the real me.


I'm fine now. I just needed to get that out of me. For those of you who are reading this, thank you.

Anything But Predictable

So what was today like? Hmm, it's hard for me to say. My days are usually dull and dreary. And all I wanna do is just get home and come in here, because I feel more at home here. And today, well I still wanna come in here haha. But the rest of the day was a little different than usual.

I tried to find a post office in the city, and you wouldn't believe how hard it was. And this month being the fasting month, the one I found closed early. Damn. But I didn't let it stop me from sending my mail. Good thing I had some stamps in my wallet. So it didn't matter that the doors were closed, as long as their boxes were open.

A few more mixed reactions at the office. Some expected, some unexpected. But still a little too insignificant to call a triumph. It did however make me smile inside, and I needed that. I don't know about you, but there are times when a few small yet positive occurrences are enough to brighten up your day and make you forget any bitterness or pain in your heart. Maybe not for very long, but long enough to make you feel that tomorrow will be OK.

It's a late Thursday night and I wonder where everyone is. I just hope they're feeling as good as I am right now. Mind you, I haven't felt like this in a while. I hope it lasts.