Sunday, November 26, 2006

Silver Linings

And so another busy week at the office comes to an end. Thank God. I dread these times of the month, when I have so much to do, so much running around, so much thinking and doing.....and so many distractions in between. I need a vacation, and I am taking a break from work next week.

Basically I wasn't having that great a week, not because of work, it's just that some things can leave me cold and depressed. I know, I keep talking about all this stuff in here. It's getting stale. But what I'm trying to say is that I had been having trouble cheering up this week. I hate that, because I know I shouldn't sulk too much.

Then yesterday, something happened. I received something in the mail. Something that made me smile. It wasn't exactly surprising, I was already told it would arrive. Though I am a little surprised it came so soon. But that was more than enough to make my day. And perfect timing too. Just when I thought I was gonna sink even deeper into darkness, someone throws me a lifeline.

And climbing out of my depression and anger kinda makes me wonder about everyone else in here (yes fellow bloggers who are linked to FR, I'm talking to you). I have noticed in the past couple of weeks that none of you have been feeling upbeat about life. Yes. We all have ups and downs. But I do hope you guys are on your way back up again.

Whatever you're going through, you can get through it. Don't believe for a second that you can't. And don't believe in the notion that you're alone. The world isn't as small as you think. Someone out there does know what you're going through. It helps to talk about it. And even if you don't, you should find a way around it, or at the very least try. And who knows, your silver lining will appear before you know it.

Try finding something positive in your life. Maybe it won't solve your problems, but it may help you get through the day.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


Check it out, guys. That's the poster for the new Harry Potter film coming out next year. Cool, eh?

I just thought I'd share that picture with you before getting down to a more serious discussion. For those of you who know me very well, you know I have only two idols in music. You also know who they are. Ever since a good friend of mine introduced me to the community that exists within the fanbase of these two artistes, I've never stopped being a part of their forums and having my say in most of the discussions that take place.

I had recently visited one of their forums and felt very distraught to discover that something is happening yet again. Arguments. Discord. Mud-slinging. Name-calling. Comparisons. Criticisms. Words used to negatively describe someone, in the worst way. It's happened in the past, and now once more. And for the life of me, I don't know why.

All it takes is for someone to start a thread on one of the artistes in question in her former partner's forum, and this happens. Suddenly everyone jumps on the bandwagon and speaks their mind on how bad this artiste is. They make comparisons and state their reasons and sum up why their number one idol is so many times better than their former idol. Blah blah blah. God, I am so sick of all this crap.

And don't get me wrong, dear readers. I totally understand their arguments. I understand why they think that way. I comprehend their points and thoughts. What I simply do not get is the need to repeat all this again, to regurgigate the past that has already been said. And it's odd, because a year ago, most of these people loved her so much. Now, thanks to an image change, a few negative vibes here and there and a controversial video, they put her down harshly. And like I said, I understand. Some people's loyalty can be so easy to sway, not mine however. And they have the right to think that way, because some of it may be true.

But why start this again? At her former partner's forum of all places? Why there? Is it because there's nowhere else to say them? Nowhere else neutral? Her former partner's forum is hardly neutral to begin with, and she did not build the forum so that people can go there and take a swing at her former partner. It's so that people can talk about her and her music. I admit, it would be hard to talk about her without mentioning her past affiliation, but the current negative vibes from the other end can be ignored or avoided.

All this is happening because a lot of people think that just because they have an opinion, they have a right to voice it. But the question is, does everyone want to hear it? Opinions differ, but they need not be repeated again and again like a broken record. You've made your point. Let's move on. I know how you feel about this person, really. So let's not go there. Not only because it's ugly, but because it's unnecessary.

I loved the previous forum. It was almost inactive, save for a dozen of us who kept it alive in the name of our idol. I was one of them. And yes, we had a hacker/spammer in our midst, but the rest of us got rid of him, and we could more or less agree with each other. And we knew where to draw the line. Now things have changed. People are angry, dissatisfied, unrelenting. The beautiful community has been replaced by mostly arrogant people who only want to be heard, no matter what the cost.

I know some of you would ask me to just leave the forum in question and never come back. Sure, I could do that. But why? Why leave the one place where I can follow the developments involving my idol? Why leave the place where I can celebrate her in the best way possible with some people there who are still friends of mine? No. I won't go. Maybe I'll be more silent. But I'm not leaving. I am still bitter about what's going on, and being even more frustrated that there is very little that I can do about it. I just wish some people would learn that there are more important things in life than stating opinions, especially if their opinions are neither original or constructive.

By the way, today is the 18th birthday of my friend Anouk. If you're reading this, Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great celebration;)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Someone Else

Man, I'm tired. So very tired. I'm tired of everything around me. Tired of the ill feelings inside of me.

Today was hard to get through. I was reminded of all the stuff that just makes me want to pull my hair out. Some things just won't solve itself, or go away completely. And I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with it. I'm tired of people taking me for granted, or not listening to me, or continuously ticking me off. I don't know how, it just happens.

I'm thinking of my Singaporean friend, and wondering what it's like to be her for just a day. Just for today I want to be her and live her life. Just for today I want to be someone else.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Mixed Emotions

Things are changing. Things are still the same. Things are happening all around me. Most of them by surprise. Some though are quite expected, and the emotion it triggers is familiar. Bottom line: I don't really know what to feel right now.

So where do I start with this entry? How do I tell you what the past 24 hours have been like? How different will it be from the previous entries I have made? Maybe I'll begin by saying I'm torn between being happy and being negative about some emotions that keep burning up inside of me.

I ran into an old colleague yesterday, looking as pretty and enthusiastic as ever since the last time I saw her. It was cool, the fact that she still remembered me was indeed a nice surprise. I learned that she was going to get married sometime next year, which was great news. But just like before, it took a while for the feeling of envy to sink in. Only when we left each other later did the feeling arise. But that's my fault, for letting it happen. I know all about not being able to control how you feel half the time, but these are the times when I am reminded that I'm not really content with my life, though most of the time it feels like I am.

I was feeling a little left out last night, and maybe even now, for there hasn't been many people to talk to online lately. Someone I care about is missing, some other people are happy but not around to share it. And I don't know, but my envy for them starts to come back again too. And damn it, I don't need this. I should be happy for them, but it's hard. I care about them, so I can't help but be happy for that, but negativity still lingers. And I fear for them too. Now all my weaknesses are coming forth for everyone to see. I can't quite hide it any longer.

But every cloud does have a silver lining. Something good happened today. Let's just say that it's enough to make me smile inside. I know it won't last very long, because it's all about the moment and not the reality of the whole thing. It's all about setting my expectations low and waiting for the right moment. So I'll enjoy it while the feeling lasts.

The only thing I can say for sure right now, is that something's missing. I don't have happiness. At least not the kind that can make me forget the depressed feelings I have now. Even among friends, I feel alone. Just like some of you can't bear being reminded about failure, people or the past, I can't be reminded about loneliness. It tears me up inside.

Thursday, November 9, 2006


As his sister pulled the car over to the side of the road, he stepped out and shut the door. He looked up at the morning sky and thought "OK, here we go."

He looked at his watch, it read 7 a.m. As always. Always here at this time. He hurried up the pedestrian bridge towards the other side, where the bus stand below the train station was. He expected Fara to be there already, as usual. But this time when he got there, she wasn't. It's ok, he thought. Maybe he's early this time.

True enough, not more than three minutes after he sat down, Fara walked into the stands. And again she walked past him without looking at him. It wasn't always like that though. In the past, she would smile at least. But not anymore. She walked ahead and sat away from him in front of the line.

As he waited for the bus to come, he wondered if the others would show up. They would usually take the next bus because they weren't fast enough to catch this one. But lately they have been early. So what would happen this time? Didn't take long for him to wonder though. About five minutes later, all four of them walked in.

Nori wore orange today. An unusual colour for her. She rarely chose that colour. But it looked good on her. Ida and Azura wore green, like Fara. He thought, for Azura it was a natural choice. She always seemed to wear green. She probably likes green. But Ida....that was odd. She usually picked pink or yellow, but not green. Wan was wearing faded yellow. It looked old, but the dress fit her like a glove.

As he boarded the bus and took his seat, he watched them take theirs. Observing them was always fascinating to him. He never understood why, but he just watched, without staring of course. He wasn't crazy or hopelessly obsessed, just intrigued. Sometimes he feared he would eventually be obsessed. Now he no longer can tell for sure.

He watched as Ida and Azura sat next to each other. He noticed that like Azura, Ida didn't have any jewellery on her hands. And that certainly was strange, considering she had shown him her engagement ring on her right hand just a few days before. So why did she take it off? Hmm. Perhaps she has her reasons. It wasn't his concern anyway.

Then he looked at Nori. He always loved her face for some reason. Yes, she's pretty. No question about it. But he never knew why he was so drawn to it. After all, he'd seen many pretty faces in his time. So why is this different? He admired her features, he loved her eyes, like there are a million things going on behind them. He liked her smile a lot. A smile which unfortunately, she no longer gives him. It's his fault, he knew that. Now he wishes he knew what to do.

He noticed they were all silent, even to each other. Probably not pleased about being awake and on the way to work at that hour, he thought. But so much has changed. Their enthusiasm seemed missing, or distant. They had so much of it when they first came. Now it would only be more obvious in the latter part of the day. Guess they were not morning people. It wasn't always like this in the past. He keeps thinking about the better times, and wished he was back there again.

There are so many questions he wants answered. Though he's well aware it's not his place to know them.

Don't worry guys, I'm still here. Just writing for the sake of writing.

Monday, November 6, 2006

Something's Familiar

I was at my desk this morning at the office just getting ready to start work when I noticed my colleagues from the accounts department walking past carrying a bunch of files to the room at the back. When they walked past again carrying more files, it finally hit me. This can only mean one thing: the auditors are here. It's that time of the year again.

I know this because I used to be in the accounts department. And carrying those files to the back room where the auditors would work was my job. Now I feel so relieved, because carrying those files wasn't pleasant at all. There are at least 30 of them to move from one end of the office to the other, and they're all heavy, hard, cardboard ring files. Sure, I wasn't alone as far as carrying them was concerned, but it's still hard. And just so you know, there are bigger things to worry about when you're in the accounts department besides file carrying. So I truly like where I am now.

Something else is on my mind lately. It's familiar, been there before. Talked about it before too. Someone I care about is troubled somewhat. I know what's on her mind, what's bothering her. I've tried to talk to her about it, but you know, these things are rarely easy to do. I know all about the kind of problems you have where you know the solution, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. It's kinda like being torn between your instinct and your brain. Your brain tells you that you know what needs to be done, because it's the smart way. But your instincts tell you to soldier on the hard way. Something about the thing you're facing draws you to it, no matter how hard you try to fight it.

It's like me trying to get a girl's attention, knowing that I'd probably fail, but I do it anyway because deep down I want to. There's a need inside of me that wants to be filled. I can try ignoring it, but eventually I'll come right back to it. Not to say that my will power isn't existent, but certain things just draw you quickly enough to it, and you're in deep before you realise it.

Somehow, helping people is getting harder now. I love helping people, especially the ones I care about. I know I'm only a human being, and perhaps incapable of saving every person out there, but there are some people worth fighting for. These people have given me more than they realise. And because of that, I can't turn my back on them. If they are in need, I will give something back. Advice. A listening ear. A shoulder to cry on. One of my personal rules is to never leave a friend, if I truly love them.

But the question now is: Am I good enough?

Saturday, November 4, 2006


It's November. Time really moves quickly. I know I've been making lots of references to time in this blog, but you gotta admit it's true.

So what was the week like? Hmm.....where do i start? The girls still ignore me every now and then. I'm used to that already. I'm no angel, or Mr Popular or anything. And I don't intend to be. I've kinda learned how to adapt to not getting attention from them. Don't quite like it, but that's life. And I always keep in mind that things are never as bad as they seem.

Received a text message from an old friend last night. Good to know that she still remembers me. But we are so different from each other that understanding one another hasn't been easy over the years. She's a good person, I know. She always has been. But I haven't been able to trust her with my personal life. Too many demons to hide. She doesn't need to know that.

I've realised that some things have changed. Subtly, not obviously. I wished it didn't. I rarely like change. Probably because it's always beyond my control. But I guess it had to happen. Another test for me. A test to see how strong I am, and whether I can see the pitfalls that lie ahead.

But I am glad to note that some things still remain intact. And I'm glad about that. These are the things I hold dear to me. These are the things I value and cherish, and I need to hold on to it as long as I can. I don't know how long it will be before something comes along and tests me again, but I have to be as prepared as possible. My first rule in life is to always be prepared. But that's hard when you can't see tomorrow.

I need more sleep, I've been thinking too much. This post says as much.