Self Destruction

I think I'm sick. Not in a medical sense, but deep down inside me. I feel sick, I keep punishing myself, beating myself up, feeling depressed, moody, angry.....and all this even when I know it's not healthy. I shouldn't do it. Period.

I mean, I should know better, right? It's just another petty thing. Petty things that I would use as an excuse to turn myself inside out, to feel furious, feel like I've been wronged, like I have the right to be mad because I can. So why do I do it? I don't know, maybe I don't have the patience for it, when it keeps happening over and over.

So I'd sulk and not talk to people when this happens. It's the better alternative, than having an emotional outburst. That would just drag everyone else into my personal hell, and it gets ugly from there. Better for me to just stay in hell alone. But no, sometimes that doesn't work, surprise surprise. Because someone always has to stick their head in and annoy me.

There's someone who always know how to just push my buttons, and I really hate it when she watches my attitude and goes "Why do you always have to be like that? Why can't you just be happy?" I could never get that, like how am I supposed to be happy when I don't feel like it? How am I supposed to smile when I feel so pissed or depressed? How am I supposed to not complain when she started it in the first place? She wants me to lighten up and go with the flow just because SHE wants me to? Hell, I've been doing that almost all my life, for her sake. She can't understand what I'm about anyway, so that's that. Yeah, and when things like that happen, and spin out of control, that's when it starts. I wish it didn't. And I tried so hard to be patient, but it turns out some people don't get it. Or they don't want my patience, they want compliance. It always has to be my sacrifice. Either way I'm screwed up.

Okay, I'm done complaining. I'm gonna look forward to Friday. Why? In case you have been away from planet Earth all June, the World Cup is upon us. The home team, Germany play Argentina on Friday. I'm not much of a football fan, but I do love the World Cup. For the record, I'm cheering for Germany. This is going to be a classic. Can't wait.

What's It Like?

- What is it like to reflect on your life and feel left behind?
- What is it like to watch other people's lives move on while yours remains stagnant?
- What is it like to find that youth is no longer present in your life and the present time feels like a quarter life crisis?
- What is it like to be left out of things you wanted to do, but didn't do for lack of courage or the will to change?
- What is it like to have such a routine schedule every day and knowing that it is that way because it's your own fault?
- What is it like to be happy for people you care about, and yet envy at the same time?
- What is it like knowing that everything that's wrong with your life is caused by your own stubbornness, self-doubt and fear?

It feels like you're trapped. Like being in a glass chamber of your own design, and you're watching life go by on the outside. It's like being in your own personal prison.

Do Looks Really Matter?

To a good friend of mine who would probably read this entry sometime later, I'd like to say this: You do NOT have big eyes. There, I've made my point.

Oh right, the rest of you don't get it. It seems my friend is quite self-conscious about her looks, lately it's those two balls in our skulls that help us see. And getting less than flattering remarks about them from the people around her isn't helping either. But I can totally relate to what she's going through. Back in school, people made fun of my posture. I'm not proud of it, and really, I don't want to think about my school days right now.

Ok, let me swing the focus away from my friend and back to me (this blog is about me anyway, duh). The question is, do I think looks really matter? Well, I don't know. Maybe, sometimes. What about you? Do you think looks are important? Would it matter if you were only four feet tall, or had spiky hair, or your hair was made up of three different colours, or your glasses were so thick it made you look like a fish, or you had obviously terrible dress sense? Hmm, ok. Those are extreme examples. But you get the picture. Does it matter to you so much that you'd go to great lengths just to look good, and take it so personally when other people make silly comments about it?

I was born with average looks, that much I know. But I do hate looking at myself in the mirror too, half the time. I wish I was taller, or less skinny, or better....I wish my hair would stay in place. Other than that, I'm happy. My mum on the other hand worries more about my looks than I do. Always telling me how to match my clothes, or shave, or smile when I take pictures. Ugh. Holding a smile is so hard, especially when my mum takes so long to snap one!

The people who say looks don't matter are people who are either comfortable with the way they look, completely, or people who can see beyond other people's exterior shell. I'm kinda partially both. Yeah, I'm being ambiguous. Whatever. This thing is way too subjective to decide firmly anyhow.

So as far as my friend is concerned, I hope she won't dwell on it too much. In my humble opinion, she's very photogenic. And her looks are only secondary compared to what I really like about her. As far as myself is concerned, I shouldn't worry about my looks, because I know which part of me needs 'fixing'.

Taking Chances

If you knew me personally, and I mean in person, as in you've met me face to face, you'd know I'm a socially challenged individual. You'd notice I can't look at ppl in the eye when I talk to them. You'd notice I'm incapable of maintaining small talk. And you'll know that when you're telling me something which you think is important or fascinating, but I don't feel the same way, the best answer I can give you when you're finished is "Oh.....right....uh-huh. Of course."

Making friends, or even making conversation with new ppl is tougher than cheap steak. I can keep friends beside me once I get along with them, but making new ones? Difficult. Sometimes near impossible. When I'm online, it's a lot easier. But face to face is where the trouble starts. It has to be the difference in the situation. Online, you don't have to worry about eye contact, body language, timing, clarity of voice etc. Though I am aware that befriending ppl online isn't that straightforward either. When it comes to meeting ppl, finding common ground is imperative. Some ppl can lie their way through conversations and be as talkative as Jay Leno. But me? I need to find a reason to talk to ppl. And that reason usually isn't forthcoming, so small talk is the last resort. God, it's so simplistic it's pathetic.

So you can deduce that I have a phobia about this. But oddly enough, for the past week, I somehow overcame this flaw. Don't know if it's temporary or not. The thing is, there was this group of three new girls in my office. And something about them intrigued me. So I took a gamble and tried to get to know them, be nice, polite and all that crap etc. And I actually got through to them somehow. Turns out they were really nice and accomodating. I've been having breakfast with them all week, learning about them and teaching them about things at the office they should know etc. And well, it's been a learning experience even for me. Most of the time, I just get by with a smile for the new blood in the office when they walk in every morning. Now these three have changed the way I feel about socialising. That maybe it's not too hard. That maybe I'm just making it seem tough all this time.

But that's not where my story ends. I seem to be broadening my horizons online too somehow. Only recently I've realised that I've been trying to reach out to other ppl I've befriended. Ppl that I either have ignored or not said hi to for a long time. This used to be hard for me also, because trusting ppl you've never actually met takes courage. It's easy to listen to their words, but can you believe them? And if they're not like you, does that mean you can't befriend them?

So I'm mutating, evolving so to speak. Moving out of my comfort zone. Meeting new ppl instead of hanging around the same ppl all the time. Seeing how far this goes if I just give myself a chance. But trust me, I'm not there yet. I'm still as self-conscious as ever. However, this may be just the spark I need to start the flames that will change everything. I just hope it's a good kind of change.

Lost

Something's bothering me today. Something doesn't feel right. I don't know why, but I can't seem to figure out what that is.

It couldn't be how my week turned out. It wasn't the best week I've had, but certainly I've had worse. It was a slow week at the office. But no, that's not it.

So here I am thinking what can it possibly be. Perhaps some things, little things, didn't quite turn out as I hoped, though it shouldn't have been enough to rattle me. Perhaps I'm missing someone, and it's no one's fault that the person I'm missing can't be there when I want. Perhaps there are some things I need or want, but can't have because I just don't have the resources to own them. Perhaps it's my mum irritating me with her petty complaints. Perhaps it's my sister and another one of her weird habits I can't stand. Perhaps there are some issues which I thought I had let go, but it turns out I wasn't completely over with. Perhaps it's a combination of some or all of these things.

Great, I'm complaining. I always thought I was beyond that. I always thought I was better than that. Guess I'm not. But now that I'm thinking of all this, perhaps it's just envy. Envy of other ppl's perfect lives. Envy of other ppl who seem to have done so much with their time and their youth. For a lot of ppl I know, I wasn't doing what they did when I was their age now. I was busy surviving life but they are living it to the fullest, or the best they can.

When I get too lost in my thoughts, it's hard for me to find my way out. I wasted so much time thinking when I should have been doing more instead. I should have been changing instead of getting comfortable with the way things are. But now that I know what the problem is, where on earth do I start working on it?

Now Or Never?

Lo and behold, it's June already. Time sure flies, doesn't it? Ah, I have to stop using that cliched phrase....

Today I was reminded yet again about one of my greatest flaws. It's odd, because I'm quite good at fixing things. To most of my friends online, I can be a good friend, a good brother even. I know how to encourage them, give them advice or just be a good listener. But for the life of me, I can't fix myself. I can't seem to overcome my own inadequacies. For this one particular weakness, it's not that I don't know how, I just can't bring myself to do what needs to be done.

So what is this flaw? It's fear. Fear of rejection to be accurate. In my life I've met many girls. I've fallen for some of them, but the thing is I could never take that all important step. I can show concern, give them attention, be nice.....but I can never admit what my heart wants to say. It shouldn't be so hard, right? Just be honest and say what I want to say. But no, something always holds me back. Fear. But what is there to fear? Well, either I already know what the result is going to be if I do it, or I stand to lose something else if I do. But it all comes down to fear. Fear of what will happen afterwards.

And this morning, I got another reminder. There's this girl I know, she lives very far away, practically on the other side of the world. I've had feelings for her for a while now. And I've so wanted to tell her, but yeah, you guessed it. Fear held me back. But it wasn't just that. There were other reasons, and I hesitated because of those more than because of my fear. Anyway, I was chatting with her today, and the moment came when I had an opportunity to tell her how I felt. I sat there, fingers on my keyboard, waiting to think of how to say it.....and again, I held back. This time, I could sense the reason why. I could feel the kind of response I'd get from her. She does care for me, but will she cross that line? Will she accept me for who I am? That's the question, the million dollar question, to which I may know the answer....But some ppl may say I can't be 100% sure, and that's true.

I have a friend who told me I should just go ahead and tell this girl everything, didn't matter what the outcome would be. What's important is that I get it off my chest so that I don't have to hide behind it anymore. And today, I watched a show on TV that reminded me of this, the second time it did that. Weird, isn't it? Maybe it's a sign. And maybe they're right.

But no. I can't do it. Why? Because now's not the time to do this. And the chatroom is hardly the place to do it (it worked for someone I know, but not for me). But I will do it. Someday. Just not now, not till I'm ready. But I fear (again) that by the time I'm ready, it may be too late.