Saturday, September 30, 2006


What is the definition of that word? Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time. That's rather accurate, but I'm not talking about that kind of insanity. I'm talking about the kind that drives you over the edge, the kind that keeps coming back to haunt you, the kind that makes you want to lash out at everything and everyone.

How would you feel if you woke up in the morning and felt pissed about something that shouldn't have made you upset? Or everything you look at doesn't seem right or fair? Or when people ignore you when you're standing right in front of them? Or when something so basic and obvious still seems incomprehensible to you? Or when you feel like you lost control of everything around you?

When I start feeling like this, the world inside my head starts to look a lot more appealing than reality. I'm a dreamer by nature, and I love my imaginations. They aren't always original, but they appeal to me. And sometimes they can get downright ridiculous. That's when I turn back to the real world and wake up.

But the past few days have been a little hard. How can it not be, when everything is so messed up that my mind starts to spin? Then the fantasy tries to take over. I've always been able to keep things real, always knew where the line is drawn. But I don't know, my imagination is starting to infect my head. I don't even know if that makes sense to you. Imaginations tend to help me forget reality's cruel hand. But I can't let myself get carried away.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I knew what's exactly bothering me. I wish I can just be invisible and watch everything happening before me. I'm sick in my head. And no matter how many times some people tell me that it will be okay, I just know this will come back again. Right now I envy people who have everything under control. Are any of them reading this?

Monday, September 25, 2006

Seeing Red

I woke up this morning and looked into the mirror. My right eye is red. Very swollen. Not good.

I didn't want to take the day off because of this, so I did the best thing anyone would do in my shoes: I wore sunglasses to work. First time in my working career too.

At the office, I get varied responses from my colleagues. It's either "Hey Aaron, what happened to your eye?" or "Whoa, you look cool dude!". Some people didn't bother to ask, which is fine. The hard part was the actual act of wearing the glasses. It's not to protect me, it's to protect everyone else. I doubt they would get infected just by looking at me though, but I just wanted to play it safe. And most people would have problems dealing with me if I didn't wear them. But I hate the glasses, I never got used to wearing them. The shades are a few years old, and I just stopped wearing them a long time ago because it was so discomforting. Guess I'll have to put up with them as long as I got this thing.

But the office was the easy part. The hard part is convincing my mum that it's nothing. This has happened to me before, and I'm all ready to just let it heal by itself. But she insisted on me seeing a doctor about it. So I will go tomorrow after work if it doesn't get better. Bummer.

A friend of mine is back to working again. I sure hope she's all right. Can't help worrying about her when she has so much to worry about. But today it seems I have to take care of myself first. So be it.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The Raven & The Angel

Once there was a raven
Who befriended an angel
When they were together
They could conquer the world

They taught us to be free
And lit up our hearts
No one ever dreamed
That they could ever part

But the raven told the angel
On one fine day
That it was time for them
To go their separate ways

So off the raven went
As far as she could fly
With her beauty & talent
She would surely soar high

Though the angel was now alone
Her spirit remains undeterred
Because she had wings of her own
That would carry her further

And I will definitely stand by them
Through the sun & the rain
But I'll pray that the winged ones
Will someday reunite again

It is now four years since the day M2M went away. After a greatest hits CD and two solo records, where are they now? Marion Raven, the more adventurous of the two, heads to America and turns up the heat on her image. It didn't go down well with some people I know, guess we'll see what happens.

Marit Larsen, the more reserved one, is finally stepping out of the shadows. Her album is doing well at home, and she's finally stepping outside her borders. Hopefully now more people will be able to hear her music, she needs to work on that.

I don't know, as solo artistes, they have made great music. I can't deny that. The success they're reaping now have eclipsed their success as a band. But no matter what, the music they made together will always be my first love. I can listen to it and never grow tired of it. I sure miss them though. But that's the nostalgic side of me. My sensible side tells me to move on. And so I do, with a heavy heart.

Thank you for the memories, M2M. God bless you both.

(Picture courtesy of MarionMania)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Wish

I looked at her again today. She noticed, and quickly looked away, almost as if she was nervous. Her reactions differ from time to time, but it doesn't quite make it easier.

From the moment I first saw her, I knew she was special. She was different. It may seem like she was just an ordinary girl, but there's something about her that made her stand out, even among her friends. She wasn't like them, she was quiet. Reserved. Saved her words only when it was the right time to say them. Usually listened instead of speaking. Not to say she didn't have a sense of humour at all. She can be chatty like them, given the opportunity. But she was visibly more mature.

When I first spoke to her, she was pleasant, polite and smart. She would give a nice smile when she saw me every now and then. I do like her, I'll admit that much. But things have changed. The situation between us is now on shaky ground. Something happened, I'm not sure what. But I know it's most likely my fault.

I want to be her friend, but that will have to wait. Wait for the right moment. I'm resisting the urge to keep paying her attention. But she's just too pretty to ignore. I wish I knew what she's thinking.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Check out the new layout, peeps. Like it? I like it, looks quite neat, doesn't it? I will miss the old layout though, that one was rather unique to me. But I felt it was time to give my blog a new look, so there you have it.

So how was your weekend? Mine was spent just sitting at home, for once. Every Saturday I seem to be out there somewhere, window shopping or movie watching or checking out the latest music at the record stores. My pockets are kinda empty at the moment, so it was a good idea to just stay away from the mall and not get a heartache from resisting the urge to buy something I wanted. It's hard, but absolutely necessary if I want to survive till my next paycheck. The worst part is when that thing you waited till the end of the month to purchase may not be there anymore when you go back for it. Law of the world: the early bird catches the worm. That's why when I usually decide that I want something, I'll pick it up almost at once. But no, not this time.

So here I was, in front of my trusty PC, meeting some old friends, and missing some others who couldn't quite make it. It's great when you can have a lot of people in the same chatroom at the same time, and just go crazy. One time, we had 3 of them use the exact same name and font colour. They wanted to throw the rest of us off. Argh. I think I spent an hour just debating on who's who. I knew I got it right, they just wouldn't admit it. Haha. That's what happens when you have way too much fun sometimes.

I'm on leave from work tomorrow, so it's like a three day weekend for me. I think I need this, so I'm going to try and enjoy it. I said try, because I can't have too much time to myself. It'll seem so odd. Not that I'm a workaholic, I'm just too used to getting up for work every weekday.

Enjoy the new week. Magandang gabi.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Reading Minds

Do you guys know who David Blaine is? That magician psychic guy who's done really crazy stuff like standing atop a monument very high up for long hours and living in an ice block for days? He's really good with his mind. The magic tricks are cool, no doubt. But it's his psychic ability that is outstanding. He can guess what you're thinking, like what number or what card or which person etc. The question remains of course whether he's for real or not as far as reading minds go, but if given the opportunity, wouldn't you want to be able to read minds? I know I do.

Having telepathy would be cool. You could read anyone's thoughts. You wouldn't have to guess what they're thinking about, won't have to wonder if they liked you or not, and you'd know if they're lying or telling the truth. That way, you can plan what to say, how to act, who to avoid and more importantly you can figure out what's wrong and fix things. The downside is learning the truth this way isn't always good. You may not like what you find, but at least you'll know where you stand.

I know some people who are somewhat confusing in the way they act. They treat you like a stranger one day and then talk to you normally the next day. Makes you wonder if they only did that because they need something from you. Everyone on this planet will eventually be used by other people. Either you're a victim or a user. It's sad isn't it? How some people can be so selfish or insensitive to others?

Been looking around me the past 24 hours, discovering some things that made me want to have telepathic powers. I'd like to know so much, I want so many questions answered. Like why some people can be such jerks? Or why people act certain ways on different days? Why some people can be so angry at the world? Why some people do the dumbest things, or really pointless activities that will only infuriate others? I guess the world is just too cruel. If I wanted to be melancholic, I can ask if God wanted us to be like this. I know I don't.

I wish I had my paycheck now. Still half a month to go, crap. So many things I'd love to own, just can't get them now or I'm gonna suffer later. As if I wasn't suffering enough as it is.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Being Human

MSN is working again. Thank God.

So what was today like? Hmmm, more development with the girls. The ones that kept ignoring me, after being so nice. Haha. Yeah. Anyway I arrived at the bus station at 7.10 this morning. And sure enough, Fara was already there. A bus pulls in, and people start to board. She was in front, so she got on the bus. I had a feeling this wasn't the right bus. It's too early. The first one always skips the last stop, which is my office, and goes back to the station after the second last stop. An Indian man, who's a regular passenger of the bus, asked the driver if he was going all the way for this trip, and when he stepped down from the bus, that meant a no. So yeah, Fara was not gonna make it. I was still outside, so I signalled to her. She noticed I hadn't boarded, and she tried to say something, but I can't read lips, so I just shook my head and waved at her to come down. And she promptly did;)

And just as we were sitting back down on the bench, the bus started to move away, and out of nowhere, Nori, Wan and Ida start running after it haha! I quickly waved at Nori and called her over. So yeah, I prevented them from getting on the wrong bus. Azura came a few minutes later, but she looked miserable. Apparently, she was ill, so she left for home after breakfast. But hey, something happened today. Not big, but still a little strange. A little amusing too. Strange because Fara hasn't said a word to me in two weeks. Amusing because I overheard Ida telling the others she tired herself running for nothing. Hehe.

This morning, I heard on the radio about this guy who called up and asked the deejays to help him with a problem. He had broken up with his girlfriend, because of another guy. He wanted her back, so he asked the deejays to call her up, and he proposed to her on air. Unfortunately, she said no. But the deejays were nice enough to cheer him up by letting him win an on-air contest, and they didn't even let him try as hard as regular callers, so he won. Haha. For your information, I'm not a big fan of the deejays in question. They're more obnoxious than funny. But I guess this time they did good.

So if you didn't understand most of this stuff, it's ok. Somewhere inside all this crap I just typed is a message. At least I think so. The message is: there are times when humans can be good too, despite all the hate and discord in our world. We should all think that way.

Saturday, September 9, 2006


There have been many times when I look at this blog, and I have no idea what to write. From the time I decided to create FR, I knew this would be a problem. For one thing, I'm a little too self-conscious to talk about myself. I'm not really used to that. Another reason would be lack of inspiration. Some people would say I don't need that, I could just write crap and they'd still read it. But hey, I don't want to write crap all the time. Because I'd want to read my own blog and feel proud of it every now and then. And I have been proud of FR, but I don't know. As far as inspiration goes, I'm short of it lately.

Look at the names of the people in my links section. They're all good at something, did you know that? Good at things fueled by inspiration. One of them writes great poetry, another draws really awesome art, one is a musician and one more.....he's good with computers. That's his gift. And that is something. But me? I can't do any of these well. I can write poetry, but I haven't in a while. I can't draw (had to take tuition just to pass art class in school), I can't play music (haven't had a proper lesson since I was 12) and I'm not good with computers. I can assemble hardware perfectly, but that's it. And you know what? I'm okay with this. Because it all comes down to whether you have it or you don't. And I don't, obviously. I've accepted that. But I still need to write this blog haha. And therein lies the problem.

Been looking around the blog community and discovering things. Someone I know had a blog all along and I didn't know it. And someone has restarted her blog. But no, I'm not in competition with anyone. All this however is driving me to put something in here. FR is here for a reason, and there are times I don't know why. (Yeah, I know I sound confused, because I am) Perhaps all this time I didn't think of putting some stuff in here that would make it worthwhile to read. Stuff that would seem dull to some people. I envy Mayleen in this sense. She can make something out of nothing as far as writing blogs go. Something so basic can sound so beautiful in her hands.

Well, my week has been fascinating. Some good developments, some more thinking, and more freezing experiences at work. So yes, it's wonderful. Haha.

By the way, if you're wondering about the picture, it's a poster for a movie to be released next year: Transformers. I was a huge fan of the cartoon when I was a kid. It was so popular that the toyline is still being sold today, in different incarnations however. And now, they're going to make a live action film out of it. I'm still wondering how it's going to look like. More food for thought? Hopefully.

Monday, September 4, 2006

Dark Times

I'm not happy today. Something's bothering me. In fact, it's not just bothering me, it has grabbed me by the throat. With my perseverance, I can survive this. I know I can. But it's gonna be hard. It will be depressing for me for the next 26 days. But I guess I have no choice. In a way, it was partially my fault that it had to come to this. But I won't go down easy. This burden will not be the end of me.

This morning didn't start well. I snapped when I shouldn't have. I should have been patient for another 30 seconds, but I wasn't. And I paid for it with some ill feelings I didn't need. Good thing I got over it quickly. This depression though will keep on coming back, threatening to make every situation seem gloomy and hopeless. So I focused on the work, it helped distract me long enough to survive today. Don't know how long it'll work, though. I just hope I won't end up being cranky in front of my colleagues. I don't need that.

Some more new blood came to the office today. Interesting. Too many people going, too many people coming in. But my attention was still somewhat trained on them. The ones I wanted to forget. But damn, it's hard. Yeah, I know. Let them go (Ira knows who haha). I can't afford to care about them anymore. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. And I wish this, because I still care for them. And I wish I knew why. But yeah, some things have to be left alone. Some questions have to be left unanswered.

I know I'm strong enough to face the oncoming storm. I've been depressed before, I know what it's like. I know what it's like when people you care about disappoint you. I know what it's like to feel alone with no one to turn to. And for a moment today, I felt that way. But sometimes there are some things I have to face alone. And I still have people to talk to, and draw strength from. I never go down without a fight. It's not over yet.

Go on, world. Hit me with your best shot.

Friday, September 1, 2006

September Beckons

Look out y'all. It's a new month. Time sure zooms by quickly, doesn't it? It's September, and that can only mean 3 things: it's a little more than three months away to Christmas, it's four months to a new year, and before you know it I won't be in my twenties anymore. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the last one very much.

Some random thoughts for was freakin' cold in the office. Been that way for the past 2 weeks. Management must have asked building maintenance to lower the temperature on the air-conditioning. It's bad enough it has been raining all week, now it's so cold, 95% of the staff had to put on extra clothing. My co-worker told me it was like winter, but I disagreed. Then he concurred, he had been to China in winter, and it was so cold there he had to put on 5 layers of clothing. And even then it wasn't enough. Makes me wonder how it would be like if I visited my friend in Norway during Christmas. I wish I could do that someday. I intend to, I don't really care if my friend says it's below zero at that time of the year. Haha, it's a dream of mine to go there.

I bought a Michael Jackson CD today. Yeah, him. The King Of Pop. Say what you will about the guy, but very few can deny that he was one of the greatest performers on earth. I grew up listening to his music. I can't call myself a fan though. But his music is unique, the kind you'd remember through time. I just wish the world would stop taking advantage of his eccentricity. And please stop suing the guy already. Enough is enough.

After a discussion with my friend yesterday, I've come to the conclusion that there are some girls that guys like me just can't be too nice to. It'll backfire. You know, most girls aren't very forthcoming about themselves, or the way they think or feel. It's different if they were in a relationship with someone, but in other times, they'd rather keep things quiet. I can't really blame them for that. They probably treat it as a way of masking their vulnerability. But it doesn't quite make it easy for me to stop wondering why they change so suddenly from being nice to being indifferent. And to be really honest, I didn't do anything wrong. But in their eyes, I must have. There is a reason for everything. It's just not for me to know yet. So thanks again for the talk, Ira.

I'll end this entry with a message to a reader of this blog: Tom, you finally changed your background. Much better. Good job.