Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Good, The Bad & The Rest

The Good: Two words.....she's back. And not a moment too soon. Now I can breathe easy.
The Bad: I did something stupid earlier today. Let's just say that I'm not going to be a plumber anytime in the near future.
The Rest: It's been an eventful week, but I think I'll spare the details. But I will say that life works in mysterious ways. Some things happen with no explanation, and some things will make your day turn out bad, but in the end someone will come over and make it right. Either that or something good will come along that will even out the bad. Sounds very vague, right? Yeah, I don't get it all either, but that's life for you.

Look out, it's almost time for August. We've been expecting you.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


I looked out the balcony this morning. It looks like a beautiful day, and I thought it would be. Alas, it didn't start well. Someone had to mess it up. Guess I should have believed in the way the day looked like when I looked outside again a few hours ago. It was raining. But it was just petty stuff. I'm over it already. So maybe things will improve.

I've been reflecting over the week that had passed. Lots of things to take in, and process and fathom, and come to a conclusion with. Reflecting isn't easy to begin with. That's because when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I rarely have in a long time. But after thoroughly mulling it over, I realise that there's really no point being unhappy for so long. It only backfires on you. I can try being sad and depressed a lot and say it's part of being a troubled artist, but the fact is I'm not an artist. I'm just me.

Now I've realised that I'm just letting all this get to me. I'm doing this to myself. I'm being doubtful and angry because I can't feel happy for myself. I keep looking for a reason to feel sad because I had no reason to feel happy. And maybe right now I still don't have a real reason to feel that way. But I have found something else: gratitude. I do have things to be thankful for. Despite all the darkness in my world, I do have a few sparks here and there. A few silver linings in my clouds. There are a lot of awful people out there, but there are some among them who are kind and thoughtful.

I've learnt that some people are idiots, because they have opinions. And they just have to share it with the world, they don't care who they hurt along the way. So I decided now; leave them be. They don't matter. What they say matters even less. I know they're so full of it. I can be proud to say I'm impartial and fair. They can never be that way. If I sound judgmental, well at least I know where to draw the line.

I've also learnt that I will always envy others. I can't run from that. But what I can do is turn it around. Envy and jealousy is the same thing, with one difference. Jealousy is reserved for people you hate, envy is what you feel for people you care about. I know that I've always envied my friends, colleagues, people I love. But it's getting me nowhere. So it's time for me to stop feeling that way. They do care about me too, and the last thing they would want is for me to be envious of them. I can rejoice in their good fortune, and maybe learn how to find my own.

I do have friends who are concerned for me. They may live in a world of their own, but they do know how to pay attention and show how much they care. And to my surprise sometimes, they do know how to make me smile. They'll do something I wouldn't expect, and usually it works. So it's to them I dedicate this entry to. My friends, if you are reading this (and you know who you are), thank you for your companionship. Despite all the madness in my life, you guys are the people who keep things real. You've taught me that it's time to leave the darkness behind and step outside towards the light.

And today I found a reason to smile. Someone just mentioned me in her journal;) Tusen takk to my dear friend Mayleen (what would I do without you). Till my next entry, excuse me while I go find out why someone I know still keeps on calling me Ronnie.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Missing Persons

There are some people you meet in your life that changes everything. The kind of people that started a spark in your soul, the kind of people that helps make sense of the madness around you, the kind of people you won't forget. And for the past week I've only been thinking about this one person.

A long time ago, out of the blue, I got an email from someone. Someone I've never met before. She picked my name out of a guestbook and wrote to me for friendship. And thus began something that is both amazing and intoxicating. It's not a romantic affair, but it changed my life. Suddenly I realised that I could care about someone even if she was far away, and I could learn to trust that person with anything.

Yeah, I know. It all sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? But I guess some things defy logic. There are some things that you would put a lot of faith in, even if it is blind faith. It's because your heart says it's right, because it feels right. It's just like love between two people, but not exactly either. And it's because of her that my life changed, that I finally found a place that I could belong to if only for a while, that there's a place I could run to when the real world is so cruel. It was her who brought me here.

And yet it's both odd and heartrending that she hardly comes to this place like she used to, though I know it's not for lack of trying. There's just too much for her to do now, too much going on in her life. I worry for her, especially now. Now as she is facing her toughest obstacle, I wonder if there is anything more that I can do to help her. For now I can only offer words of comfort. She tells me that she'll be fine, and I shouldn't worry. But I always worry,and somehow she always manages to pull through. So perhaps she's right. And perhaps like I had mentioned in a previous entry, I can't save everyone.

But I can't help missing her. Strangely enough there are times when she's gone for so long that I don't think of her. But when I do, I start remembering the good old days when things were simpler and we didn't have a care in the world. When we could do what we wanted and everything was perfect. Times have changed, and sadly some people I know have changed too, but I'm glad to note that she hasn't.

The best thing I can do now is hope that time doesn't change too fast. But it feels like it already is.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What A Revoltin' Development This Is!

In the Fantastic Four comicbooks, The Thing would say that phrase when the situation starts to get ugly. I'm using it now, not to state that my life is currently in disarray, but to sum up how much has happened in the past few days. Now let's see.....I got to chat with a couple of old friends I haven't talked to in a long time over the weekend, I received a nice bonus from my employers, a couple of TV shows I've been following just took some unexpected plot turns(amazing stuff) and we have new World Cup champs. Congrats to Italy, though I was rooting for France.

I also learnt yesterday that a certain place online may be seeing its final days on the web. It's a blog, much like this one, and yet not like this one at all. In fact, I can say that this blog partially inspired the creation of Familiar Refrain. It kinda made me want to find out if I could write a blog, and it gave me the idea that there's a place online where I could put my thoughts and words in when there's no one to listen to them. This blog I'm referring to, which belongs to a friend, is a nice representation of her. Not only is it second best to having an actual conversation with her, it's a place where I've learnt so much about her life, thoughts and perspective.

What amazes me even more is how it is's beautiful, scary, sensible and hard to understand, all at once. There are times when I know exactly what she means, and other times I'm completely lost. That's what makes it so engrossing. My blog you're reading here on the other hand......hell, I don't even know why it's here sometimes. Bottom line is she's a good writer, and bottom line....I'm not. But all good things do have to come to an end, and in her case, I can understand why she feels she has to close it. If she really goes through with it, I will miss it, and no, not because I need it to help me write FR, it's because I've grown fond of it, even though I've only known about it for 3 months.

I can tell you this about my friend though: she's about to take probably the biggest step of her life....the moment is almost literally right outside her front door. I pray she has the faith and courage to face it (she'll probably kill me for repetitively encouraging her). And I guess that's why she has opted to close her online that she can start a new chapter in her life.And perhaps that's why FR has to keep going....because the new chapter in my life hasn't arrived yet.

I'll probably have something interesting to post here in two weeks, or not. Either way I'm probably gonna end up being emotionally divided, and I'm going to hate myself for it.

Sunday, July 2, 2006


It hasn't been a good week. Been spending a lot of time thinking about things. Things that remind me about the way life is, and how it can just ruin you even when you don't have malice in your actions.

Lots of times, I do certain stuff that would be the norm, and yet it can be misconstrued. Things said that are misinterpreted. Ppl have to make it personal, and act like an ass just because they can. What I really meant was not understood, and they got something else altogether. And in other things, you'd expect more from certain ppl, but you get much less. The fact is, you care about some ppl, and they don't give you much in return, and you wonder if your efforts are worth it. And then there are some ppl who you'd love to help, but circumstances make it tough. Your sincerity is there, but to make the effort of helping might make it worse, because it's not wanted.

So I've learnt that there are ppl who will do their darndest to mess things up, because they think it's their God given right to do so, and couldn't care less. There are ppl who may overlook you despite your best efforts to prove to them how much you care. But that doesn't mean that they have forgotten about you completely. And there are ppl who won't accept assistance even when you're dying to lend a hand. You can't save everyone, even if you think you can, even when you really care about them. Because they won't let you, because you may not know more than they do. I've learnt that it's necessary sometimes to accept things like this.

In our crazy world, acceptance is surely a bitter pill to swallow. Even when you have noble intentions.