Being Human

MSN is working again. Thank God.

So what was today like? Hmmm, more development with the girls. The ones that kept ignoring me, after being so nice. Haha. Yeah. Anyway I arrived at the bus station at 7.10 this morning. And sure enough, Fara was already there. A bus pulls in, and people start to board. She was in front, so she got on the bus. I had a feeling this wasn't the right bus. It's too early. The first one always skips the last stop, which is my office, and goes back to the station after the second last stop. An Indian man, who's a regular passenger of the bus, asked the driver if he was going all the way for this trip, and when he stepped down from the bus, that meant a no. So yeah, Fara was not gonna make it. I was still outside, so I signalled to her. She noticed I hadn't boarded, and she tried to say something, but I can't read lips, so I just shook my head and waved at her to come down. And she promptly did;)

And just as we were sitting back down on the bench, the bus started to move away, and out of nowhere, Nori, Wan and Ida start running after it haha! I quickly waved at Nori and called her over. So yeah, I prevented them from getting on the wrong bus. Azura came a few minutes later, but she looked miserable. Apparently, she was ill, so she left for home after breakfast. But hey, something happened today. Not big, but still a little strange. A little amusing too. Strange because Fara hasn't said a word to me in two weeks. Amusing because I overheard Ida telling the others she tired herself running for nothing. Hehe.

This morning, I heard on the radio about this guy who called up and asked the deejays to help him with a problem. He had broken up with his girlfriend, because of another guy. He wanted her back, so he asked the deejays to call her up, and he proposed to her on air. Unfortunately, she said no. But the deejays were nice enough to cheer him up by letting him win an on-air contest, and they didn't even let him try as hard as regular callers, so he won. Haha. For your information, I'm not a big fan of the deejays in question. They're more obnoxious than funny. But I guess this time they did good.

So if you didn't understand most of this stuff, it's ok. Somewhere inside all this crap I just typed is a message. At least I think so. The message is: there are times when humans can be good too, despite all the hate and discord in our world. We should all think that way.

Inspiration

There have been many times when I look at this blog, and I have no idea what to write. From the time I decided to create FR, I knew this would be a problem. For one thing, I'm a little too self-conscious to talk about myself. I'm not really used to that. Another reason would be lack of inspiration. Some people would say I don't need that, I could just write crap and they'd still read it. But hey, I don't want to write crap all the time. Because I'd want to read my own blog and feel proud of it every now and then. And I have been proud of FR, but I don't know. As far as inspiration goes, I'm short of it lately.

Look at the names of the people in my links section. They're all good at something, did you know that? Good at things fueled by inspiration. One of them writes great poetry, another draws really awesome art, one is a musician and one more.....he's good with computers. That's his gift. And that is something. But me? I can't do any of these well. I can write poetry, but I haven't in a while. I can't draw (had to take tuition just to pass art class in school), I can't play music (haven't had a proper lesson since I was 12) and I'm not good with computers. I can assemble hardware perfectly, but that's it. And you know what? I'm okay with this. Because it all comes down to whether you have it or you don't. And I don't, obviously. I've accepted that. But I still need to write this blog haha. And therein lies the problem.

Been looking around the blog community and discovering things. Someone I know had a blog all along and I didn't know it. And someone has restarted her blog. But no, I'm not in competition with anyone. All this however is driving me to put something in here. FR is here for a reason, and there are times I don't know why. (Yeah, I know I sound confused, because I am) Perhaps all this time I didn't think of putting some stuff in here that would make it worthwhile to read. Stuff that would seem dull to some people. I envy Mayleen in this sense. She can make something out of nothing as far as writing blogs go. Something so basic can sound so beautiful in her hands.

Well, my week has been fascinating. Some good developments, some more thinking, and more freezing experiences at work. So yes, it's wonderful. Haha.

By the way, if you're wondering about the picture, it's a poster for a movie to be released next year: Transformers. I was a huge fan of the cartoon when I was a kid. It was so popular that the toyline is still being sold today, in different incarnations however. And now, they're going to make a live action film out of it. I'm still wondering how it's going to look like. More food for thought? Hopefully.

Dark Times

I'm not happy today. Something's bothering me. In fact, it's not just bothering me, it has grabbed me by the throat. With my perseverance, I can survive this. I know I can. But it's gonna be hard. It will be depressing for me for the next 26 days. But I guess I have no choice. In a way, it was partially my fault that it had to come to this. But I won't go down easy. This burden will not be the end of me.

This morning didn't start well. I snapped when I shouldn't have. I should have been patient for another 30 seconds, but I wasn't. And I paid for it with some ill feelings I didn't need. Good thing I got over it quickly. This depression though will keep on coming back, threatening to make every situation seem gloomy and hopeless. So I focused on the work, it helped distract me long enough to survive today. Don't know how long it'll work, though. I just hope I won't end up being cranky in front of my colleagues. I don't need that.

Some more new blood came to the office today. Interesting. Too many people going, too many people coming in. But my attention was still somewhat trained on them. The ones I wanted to forget. But damn, it's hard. Yeah, I know. Let them go (Ira knows who haha). I can't afford to care about them anymore. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. And I wish this, because I still care for them. And I wish I knew why. But yeah, some things have to be left alone. Some questions have to be left unanswered.

I know I'm strong enough to face the oncoming storm. I've been depressed before, I know what it's like. I know what it's like when people you care about disappoint you. I know what it's like to feel alone with no one to turn to. And for a moment today, I felt that way. But sometimes there are some things I have to face alone. And I still have people to talk to, and draw strength from. I never go down without a fight. It's not over yet.

Go on, world. Hit me with your best shot.

September Beckons

Look out y'all. It's a new month. Time sure zooms by quickly, doesn't it? It's September, and that can only mean 3 things: it's a little more than three months away to Christmas, it's four months to a new year, and before you know it I won't be in my twenties anymore. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the last one very much.

Some random thoughts for today.....it was freakin' cold in the office. Been that way for the past 2 weeks. Management must have asked building maintenance to lower the temperature on the air-conditioning. It's bad enough it has been raining all week, now it's so cold, 95% of the staff had to put on extra clothing. My co-worker told me it was like winter, but I disagreed. Then he concurred, he had been to China in winter, and it was so cold there he had to put on 5 layers of clothing. And even then it wasn't enough. Makes me wonder how it would be like if I visited my friend in Norway during Christmas. I wish I could do that someday. I intend to, I don't really care if my friend says it's below zero at that time of the year. Haha, it's a dream of mine to go there.

I bought a Michael Jackson CD today. Yeah, him. The King Of Pop. Say what you will about the guy, but very few can deny that he was one of the greatest performers on earth. I grew up listening to his music. I can't call myself a fan though. But his music is unique, the kind you'd remember through time. I just wish the world would stop taking advantage of his eccentricity. And please stop suing the guy already. Enough is enough.

After a discussion with my friend yesterday, I've come to the conclusion that there are some girls that guys like me just can't be too nice to. It'll backfire. You know, most girls aren't very forthcoming about themselves, or the way they think or feel. It's different if they were in a relationship with someone, but in other times, they'd rather keep things quiet. I can't really blame them for that. They probably treat it as a way of masking their vulnerability. But it doesn't quite make it easy for me to stop wondering why they change so suddenly from being nice to being indifferent. And to be really honest, I didn't do anything wrong. But in their eyes, I must have. There is a reason for everything. It's just not for me to know yet. So thanks again for the talk, Ira.

I'll end this entry with a message to a reader of this blog: Tom, you finally changed your background. Much better. Good job.