Sunday, September 9, 2007

The Hardest Things

You know, most of the time I can just do what I do, the routine stuff and be content with that. I can just keep myself busy and forget about my troubles. But it was so much easier back then. Now there are way too many things darkening the sky above me. Too many things to remind me what a difficult year it has been so far.

Waking up in the morning is hard enough. What would you expect from a guy who can't seem to sleep more than 6 hours a day? Not that I haven't tried. But it's just impossible. I wake up before I want to and can't go back to dreamland again, because once my brain's awake, it won't rest.

But you know what? Waking up isn't just about the sleep. It's about the realisation of what's to come. Which is going to work. Now, my job isn't bad, it's just this one person in my office who I have to put up with 9 hours a day. I can deal with the fussy, self-righteous side of her. It's just the mental instability that really bothers me. What would you do if your colleague started cursing and talking to herself? Man, wouldn't that make you lose focus? She needs help, seriously. And I don't even know if she's aware of what she has become.

That's not all. My mum is sick. The treatment is over for now. But the side effects from it still linger, and none of us knows when it will subside. Right now, I don't know which is harder: watching her not finish her food for the umpteenth time, or listening to her cough uncontrollably. I guess I'll have to keep praying for her, she's suffered enough already.

I was at the mall yesterday, doing what I love and trying to enjoy spending time by myself after a week at the office. And yet, life just won't leave me alone. Many things....incidents, faces, memories, all come at once to remind me about being alone. About not having anyone to be with. About all the people I have lost over time. It's all in the past, I know. But anyone who knows me will agree that the past and me are old friends. We never leave each other. We're inseparable, up to the point where it hurts so bad.

Right now, I don't really know where I'm going. Some will think I'm just beating myself up instead of being more proactive. The thing is, I am fighting for my life. I tell myself that every day. But I don't know if it's enough. Something's gotta give at some point. What do I do?

I really need someone to talk to. Badly.

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