Monday, February 9, 2009

What If?

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, but to be honest I'm not sure if I've already mentioned this fact to some of you who come here to read my thoughts.

As you all know, I'm the youngest of two children, just me and my big sister. But actually, I should have had two sisters. My mother gave birth to a stillborn girl about a year before I was born. If she had lived, I would be the third child, but still the youngest.

Today the thought of my late sister crossed my mind, for no reason at all. I woke up this morning, and suddenly I was thinking of her. I remembered that I was dreaming of someone, but it wasn't her. It felt odd somehow, that after so much time had passed since I last thought of her, and it happened.

And then I started thinking about what it would be like if she had been around, if there was another member of the family, if I had another sibling. So I came up with the pros and cons:

- she'd understand me better. I know this isn't a certainty. She never lived, so how would I know what she'd be like? But then, if she had been born just a year before me, how different could she be from me? I know for a fact that my older sister is nothing like me. At all. She's four years my senior, so you do the math. My late sister might have understood how different I was, how I was the black sheep, and maybe she could protect me better from those who couldn't fathom me.

- less attention would be on me. You know, being the youngest has its disadvantages. You get treated like a child all the time. And I know that even if my late sister had lived, I'd still be at the bottom of the line. But at least my parents would have to divide attention among three kids, and a cake divided in three parts is still less than two.

- I wouldn't feel lonely. Sometimes you just can't hang out with the same people all the time, even if it's your family. You'll get bored. If she had lived, maybe I can have a best friend I could never really get with my older sister. There's a chance I'll get bored with her at some point too, I know. But deep down I feel she'd be nothing like my older sister, and even if she is nothing like me, I would get along with her a lot easier, and I could learn from her too.

- another voice in the house equals more noise. It can get really noisy at home when the ladies start talking, and by that I mean my sister and mother. Add another girl to that equation....uh oh :P

- a bigger family would mean more expenses, and that would make things hard for our parents at some point. I'm certain all of you know about financial constraints and how it affects your everyday lives. I gotta tell you, I've been in bad financial situations before, and having an extra member of the family might complicate things.

- if she lived, I may not be here at all.

That particular last point may be the truest of all. I remembered when I first learned about my late sister, my mum said that if she had lived, perhaps I wouldn't be born. Strange to know that maybe she died so that I could live. In some ways, that is sad. But all of this is God's will. He made it happen. I am here, and she is not. I don't know why, but I'm certain He had his reasons.

Despite the cons I listed, I think having her here with me would be a good thing. I look at my friends, and most of them have big families (Anouk and Rhea, you're both exceptions lol), and I kinda envy that. Envy having a large family that gets to have a big reunion when we're all old, trading stories and sharing family members and making new ones. I wonder how big my family would be someday.

Ah, I dare not dream that last part. Maybe it'll still be just me and who I have now. Or more. Who knows.

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