Difficult Simplicity

This is hard. It always has been. I've been through this before, and somehow it ends up the same way almost every time. The fact is, the solution is pretty simple. But I just can't do it.

This time it's a little different. In the past, I had somehow believed that no matter the odds, there was a chance for me to succeed. No, I don't mean succeed in carrying out the solution, but in pursuing what my heart feels. This time, I knew from the beginning that following my heart would spell doom. It would never work out. So I resisted. I tried my best to stay away, and be smart. And I did just that. But you know what? The heart is a really powerful thing. It can override almost any decision you make, and before you know it, you're sucked in. Now I'm in deep, sort of.

I wish things were different between me and her. I miss the past times, when she would greet me with a smile, treat me well, and not hesitate to engage in a conversation about anything. Now, silence and tension fill the space between us. But there are times when I feel like all hope is not lost. I know she doesn't hate me. However I don't really know what she thinks of me. I can only predict what she may think, perhaps I'm not good at reading people and their behaviour. I'm not Dr House.

The fact is, I can end this with a simple solution. Just turn a blind eye and close my senses. Then perhaps I can forget her, and the way she makes me feel in her presence. But like I said, I just can't. The simplest solution isn't easy at all. And every day I walk the line between reality and recklessness. Trying to get her attention and at the same time keeping things real.

If she and I were friends, maybe it'd be less taxing for me. I guess right now I just miss her, even though I see her almost every day. If only we were the last two people on earth, and everything else was gone. Wouldn't that be something?

Thirty

And here it comes again. This day. A day that marks yet another year of my life gone by. You know, I don't exactly have as much enthusiasm about birthdays as some people I know. And it's not just about my age, it's the fact that every year I spend my birthday the same way. Perhaps sometime in future, if given the opportunity, I'd like to celebrate it differently, otherwise celebrating this day would not mean anything. But that's another story.

So what's it like today for me? Well, nothing dramatic, as always. But it's better that way. It's just a day where I'd like to do what I want to do, and not get flak about it. It's my day, so to speak. And it's been fun....had a nice lunch, spent the day at the mall, found something worth every penny, not bad at all.

But the best part was getting some really nice birthday wishes, some which I hadn't expected. To all of you who remembered, thank you. The fact that you remembered is a gift enough to me.

So now I'm older. Being reminded of that isn't exactly fun, because my friends happen to be so much younger, and it makes me miss being at that age. Mayleen says I'm wiser now, but am I? There are many times when I feel like I have a lot more to learn. I guess the learning process doesn't stop till we die. But I do want to see more of the world, and getting older isn't doing me any favors as far as that is concerned.

But there's one thing I hope to be, and that is to be better. In every sense. A better person, brother, colleague, worker, friend. I know I can be, and I need to be. Because somewhere out there, there are some people I care about deeply, and I need to be there for them. I need to be better for them. Take care, dear friends.

Week One

Welcome to 2007, everyone. How has the first week been for you? If some of you are still in a Christmas mood (I know someone is), I don't really blame you. I think some Christmas trees at the malls are still up, and some people are still in the New Year celebration. Some of my colleagues took the whole week off and will return on Monday. I don't think I can ever do that, unless I'm going someplace far away. I can't really stay away from work for too long, makes me feel lazy just sitting at home.

So what was my week like? Hmm, it didn't get off to a very good start, to be honest. Some things went wrong, some people had to make me cross, some people got cross with me, I did some stupid things, and MSN was really crappy all week. Most of these things are trivial, but lots of times I just lose it and let my anger and frustration take over. I shouldn't do that, I know I'm better than that.

And in all honesty, there was a moment when I felt really lonely, like there was no one there for me when I needed someone to count on. I guess not everyone can be there for us when we need them. But that's okay, in some ways it makes you stronger when you have to face the world by yourself. You need to stand on your own and arm yourself for whatever that's coming. And I am lucky to have good people beside me to teach me a thing or two. I have learned a lot from them, and I am thankful for that.

So what's good about this week? Well, one of my all time favourite TV shows, E.R. is back. On reruns haha. But that's ok, I haven't watched it for a long time, so now I can start over and enjoy it all over again. What else? I got a Christmas card in the mail, tusen takk;) (you know who you are) And MSN seems to be working again, though I don't know for how long.

By the way, do you like that picture? I love it. From the moment I saw it, I knew I had to have it. That's the cover to the next hardcover volume of Justice the comicbook. On the left you'll recognise the famous heroes of the Justice League, and on the right are their respective foes. A brilliant piece of artwork by Alex Ross.

Just a few days away from an important day, though in some ways it's not that important. But don't mind me. Thanks for reading.