Reflections

I looked out the balcony this morning. It looks like a beautiful day, and I thought it would be. Alas, it didn't start well. Someone had to mess it up. Guess I should have believed in the way the day looked like when I looked outside again a few hours ago. It was raining. But it was just petty stuff. I'm over it already. So maybe things will improve.

I've been reflecting over the week that had passed. Lots of things to take in, and process and fathom, and come to a conclusion with. Reflecting isn't easy to begin with. That's because when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I rarely have in a long time. But after thoroughly mulling it over, I realise that there's really no point being unhappy for so long. It only backfires on you. I can try being sad and depressed a lot and say it's part of being a troubled artist, but the fact is I'm not an artist. I'm just me.

Now I've realised that I'm just letting all this get to me. I'm doing this to myself. I'm being doubtful and angry because I can't feel happy for myself. I keep looking for a reason to feel sad because I had no reason to feel happy. And maybe right now I still don't have a real reason to feel that way. But I have found something else: gratitude. I do have things to be thankful for. Despite all the darkness in my world, I do have a few sparks here and there. A few silver linings in my clouds. There are a lot of awful people out there, but there are some among them who are kind and thoughtful.

I've learnt that some people are idiots, because they have opinions. And they just have to share it with the world, they don't care who they hurt along the way. So I decided now; leave them be. They don't matter. What they say matters even less. I know they're so full of it. I can be proud to say I'm impartial and fair. They can never be that way. If I sound judgmental, well at least I know where to draw the line.

I've also learnt that I will always envy others. I can't run from that. But what I can do is turn it around. Envy and jealousy is the same thing, with one difference. Jealousy is reserved for people you hate, envy is what you feel for people you care about. I know that I've always envied my friends, colleagues, people I love. But it's getting me nowhere. So it's time for me to stop feeling that way. They do care about me too, and the last thing they would want is for me to be envious of them. I can rejoice in their good fortune, and maybe learn how to find my own.

I do have friends who are concerned for me. They may live in a world of their own, but they do know how to pay attention and show how much they care. And to my surprise sometimes, they do know how to make me smile. They'll do something I wouldn't expect, and usually it works. So it's to them I dedicate this entry to. My friends, if you are reading this (and you know who you are), thank you for your companionship. Despite all the madness in my life, you guys are the people who keep things real. You've taught me that it's time to leave the darkness behind and step outside towards the light.

And today I found a reason to smile. Someone just mentioned me in her journal;) Tusen takk to my dear friend Mayleen (what would I do without you). Till my next entry, excuse me while I go find out why someone I know still keeps on calling me Ronnie.