Taking Chances

If you knew me personally, and I mean in person, as in you've met me face to face, you'd know I'm a socially challenged individual. You'd notice I can't look at ppl in the eye when I talk to them. You'd notice I'm incapable of maintaining small talk. And you'll know that when you're telling me something which you think is important or fascinating, but I don't feel the same way, the best answer I can give you when you're finished is "Oh.....right....uh-huh. Of course."

Making friends, or even making conversation with new ppl is tougher than cheap steak. I can keep friends beside me once I get along with them, but making new ones? Difficult. Sometimes near impossible. When I'm online, it's a lot easier. But face to face is where the trouble starts. It has to be the difference in the situation. Online, you don't have to worry about eye contact, body language, timing, clarity of voice etc. Though I am aware that befriending ppl online isn't that straightforward either. When it comes to meeting ppl, finding common ground is imperative. Some ppl can lie their way through conversations and be as talkative as Jay Leno. But me? I need to find a reason to talk to ppl. And that reason usually isn't forthcoming, so small talk is the last resort. God, it's so simplistic it's pathetic.

So you can deduce that I have a phobia about this. But oddly enough, for the past week, I somehow overcame this flaw. Don't know if it's temporary or not. The thing is, there was this group of three new girls in my office. And something about them intrigued me. So I took a gamble and tried to get to know them, be nice, polite and all that crap etc. And I actually got through to them somehow. Turns out they were really nice and accomodating. I've been having breakfast with them all week, learning about them and teaching them about things at the office they should know etc. And well, it's been a learning experience even for me. Most of the time, I just get by with a smile for the new blood in the office when they walk in every morning. Now these three have changed the way I feel about socialising. That maybe it's not too hard. That maybe I'm just making it seem tough all this time.

But that's not where my story ends. I seem to be broadening my horizons online too somehow. Only recently I've realised that I've been trying to reach out to other ppl I've befriended. Ppl that I either have ignored or not said hi to for a long time. This used to be hard for me also, because trusting ppl you've never actually met takes courage. It's easy to listen to their words, but can you believe them? And if they're not like you, does that mean you can't befriend them?

So I'm mutating, evolving so to speak. Moving out of my comfort zone. Meeting new ppl instead of hanging around the same ppl all the time. Seeing how far this goes if I just give myself a chance. But trust me, I'm not there yet. I'm still as self-conscious as ever. However, this may be just the spark I need to start the flames that will change everything. I just hope it's a good kind of change.