Now Or Never?

Lo and behold, it's June already. Time sure flies, doesn't it? Ah, I have to stop using that cliched phrase....

Today I was reminded yet again about one of my greatest flaws. It's odd, because I'm quite good at fixing things. To most of my friends online, I can be a good friend, a good brother even. I know how to encourage them, give them advice or just be a good listener. But for the life of me, I can't fix myself. I can't seem to overcome my own inadequacies. For this one particular weakness, it's not that I don't know how, I just can't bring myself to do what needs to be done.

So what is this flaw? It's fear. Fear of rejection to be accurate. In my life I've met many girls. I've fallen for some of them, but the thing is I could never take that all important step. I can show concern, give them attention, be nice.....but I can never admit what my heart wants to say. It shouldn't be so hard, right? Just be honest and say what I want to say. But no, something always holds me back. Fear. But what is there to fear? Well, either I already know what the result is going to be if I do it, or I stand to lose something else if I do. But it all comes down to fear. Fear of what will happen afterwards.

And this morning, I got another reminder. There's this girl I know, she lives very far away, practically on the other side of the world. I've had feelings for her for a while now. And I've so wanted to tell her, but yeah, you guessed it. Fear held me back. But it wasn't just that. There were other reasons, and I hesitated because of those more than because of my fear. Anyway, I was chatting with her today, and the moment came when I had an opportunity to tell her how I felt. I sat there, fingers on my keyboard, waiting to think of how to say it.....and again, I held back. This time, I could sense the reason why. I could feel the kind of response I'd get from her. She does care for me, but will she cross that line? Will she accept me for who I am? That's the question, the million dollar question, to which I may know the answer....But some ppl may say I can't be 100% sure, and that's true.

I have a friend who told me I should just go ahead and tell this girl everything, didn't matter what the outcome would be. What's important is that I get it off my chest so that I don't have to hide behind it anymore. And today, I watched a show on TV that reminded me of this, the second time it did that. Weird, isn't it? Maybe it's a sign. And maybe they're right.

But no. I can't do it. Why? Because now's not the time to do this. And the chatroom is hardly the place to do it (it worked for someone I know, but not for me). But I will do it. Someday. Just not now, not till I'm ready. But I fear (again) that by the time I'm ready, it may be too late.