I can no longer speak, or write this blog the same way I used to. Do you recall how I first started Familiar Refrain? It wasn't the best written blog there was, but back then I wouldn't hesitate too much, or be too lazy to put my thoughts down on it.
Now, what is there left to say or do?
Too much has changed. The status quo has altered. And what once was is no longer there. Even my readers have diminished, probably because I let them down, more so than this blog has. And because of that, I no longer have the enthusiasm to put my emotions into this thing, to tell you all what plagues my troubled mind.
What worries me is that my top concern at the moment refers to not being heard. I'd talk about that here, but no one will hear me, will they?
I'm so tired. Tired of the way things have become. And on top of that, I have so much to do, and every day it saps my strength. Takes me to the limit.
And there are still many people that I miss. I'm tired of feeling that way, but I refuse to let them go.
I have an upcoming trip in a few days. I doubt it will help change the way I feel now. At best, it'll distract me for a while. But there is only one cure for what I have. And it's beyond my reach right now.
Perhaps the only thing I can wish for at this point, is to have just a little bit of happiness that everyone else has. Then maybe feeling all this fatigue will be worth it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
What If?
I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, but to be honest I'm not sure if I've already mentioned this fact to some of you who come here to read my thoughts.
As you all know, I'm the youngest of two children, just me and my big sister. But actually, I should have had two sisters. My mother gave birth to a stillborn girl about a year before I was born. If she had lived, I would be the third child, but still the youngest.
Today the thought of my late sister crossed my mind, for no reason at all. I woke up this morning, and suddenly I was thinking of her. I remembered that I was dreaming of someone, but it wasn't her. It felt odd somehow, that after so much time had passed since I last thought of her, and it happened.
And then I started thinking about what it would be like if she had been around, if there was another member of the family, if I had another sibling. So I came up with the pros and cons:
Pros:
- she'd understand me better. I know this isn't a certainty. She never lived, so how would I know what she'd be like? But then, if she had been born just a year before me, how different could she be from me? I know for a fact that my older sister is nothing like me. At all. She's four years my senior, so you do the math. My late sister might have understood how different I was, how I was the black sheep, and maybe she could protect me better from those who couldn't fathom me.
- less attention would be on me. You know, being the youngest has its disadvantages. You get treated like a child all the time. And I know that even if my late sister had lived, I'd still be at the bottom of the line. But at least my parents would have to divide attention among three kids, and a cake divided in three parts is still less than two.
- I wouldn't feel lonely. Sometimes you just can't hang out with the same people all the time, even if it's your family. You'll get bored. If she had lived, maybe I can have a best friend I could never really get with my older sister. There's a chance I'll get bored with her at some point too, I know. But deep down I feel she'd be nothing like my older sister, and even if she is nothing like me, I would get along with her a lot easier, and I could learn from her too.
Cons:
- another voice in the house equals more noise. It can get really noisy at home when the ladies start talking, and by that I mean my sister and mother. Add another girl to that equation....uh oh :P
- a bigger family would mean more expenses, and that would make things hard for our parents at some point. I'm certain all of you know about financial constraints and how it affects your everyday lives. I gotta tell you, I've been in bad financial situations before, and having an extra member of the family might complicate things.
- if she lived, I may not be here at all.
That particular last point may be the truest of all. I remembered when I first learned about my late sister, my mum said that if she had lived, perhaps I wouldn't be born. Strange to know that maybe she died so that I could live. In some ways, that is sad. But all of this is God's will. He made it happen. I am here, and she is not. I don't know why, but I'm certain He had his reasons.
Despite the cons I listed, I think having her here with me would be a good thing. I look at my friends, and most of them have big families (Anouk and Rhea, you're both exceptions lol), and I kinda envy that. Envy having a large family that gets to have a big reunion when we're all old, trading stories and sharing family members and making new ones. I wonder how big my family would be someday.
Ah, I dare not dream that last part. Maybe it'll still be just me and who I have now. Or more. Who knows.
As you all know, I'm the youngest of two children, just me and my big sister. But actually, I should have had two sisters. My mother gave birth to a stillborn girl about a year before I was born. If she had lived, I would be the third child, but still the youngest.
Today the thought of my late sister crossed my mind, for no reason at all. I woke up this morning, and suddenly I was thinking of her. I remembered that I was dreaming of someone, but it wasn't her. It felt odd somehow, that after so much time had passed since I last thought of her, and it happened.
And then I started thinking about what it would be like if she had been around, if there was another member of the family, if I had another sibling. So I came up with the pros and cons:
Pros:
- she'd understand me better. I know this isn't a certainty. She never lived, so how would I know what she'd be like? But then, if she had been born just a year before me, how different could she be from me? I know for a fact that my older sister is nothing like me. At all. She's four years my senior, so you do the math. My late sister might have understood how different I was, how I was the black sheep, and maybe she could protect me better from those who couldn't fathom me.
- less attention would be on me. You know, being the youngest has its disadvantages. You get treated like a child all the time. And I know that even if my late sister had lived, I'd still be at the bottom of the line. But at least my parents would have to divide attention among three kids, and a cake divided in three parts is still less than two.
- I wouldn't feel lonely. Sometimes you just can't hang out with the same people all the time, even if it's your family. You'll get bored. If she had lived, maybe I can have a best friend I could never really get with my older sister. There's a chance I'll get bored with her at some point too, I know. But deep down I feel she'd be nothing like my older sister, and even if she is nothing like me, I would get along with her a lot easier, and I could learn from her too.
Cons:
- another voice in the house equals more noise. It can get really noisy at home when the ladies start talking, and by that I mean my sister and mother. Add another girl to that equation....uh oh :P
- a bigger family would mean more expenses, and that would make things hard for our parents at some point. I'm certain all of you know about financial constraints and how it affects your everyday lives. I gotta tell you, I've been in bad financial situations before, and having an extra member of the family might complicate things.
- if she lived, I may not be here at all.
That particular last point may be the truest of all. I remembered when I first learned about my late sister, my mum said that if she had lived, perhaps I wouldn't be born. Strange to know that maybe she died so that I could live. In some ways, that is sad. But all of this is God's will. He made it happen. I am here, and she is not. I don't know why, but I'm certain He had his reasons.
Despite the cons I listed, I think having her here with me would be a good thing. I look at my friends, and most of them have big families (Anouk and Rhea, you're both exceptions lol), and I kinda envy that. Envy having a large family that gets to have a big reunion when we're all old, trading stories and sharing family members and making new ones. I wonder how big my family would be someday.
Ah, I dare not dream that last part. Maybe it'll still be just me and who I have now. Or more. Who knows.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The New Year
And the year of the Ox begins. Happy Lunar New Year to all those who are celebrating.
The celebrations are finally in full swing. People are travelling, visiting, laughing and dining together. But for me and my family, it's a rather quiet affair. We're not the social kind, nor do we spend time with relatives much. However we celebrate in our own way, sticking to tradition still, albeit on a smaller scale.
For the past two weeks, everywhere I went I'd see stuff associated with the new year. Red lanterns, red decorations, new things, lion dances, mall performances, and the one thing I dread the most: new year songs! Why? Because it's all in Mandarin, and I'm not well versed in that language. On top of that, it's always the same songs playing again and again, and I'm sick of it. It's there everywhere I go.
But the idea of getting ang pow and welcoming some good fortune for the new year is still appealing in some way, so I do like this time of year. And the most important thing for me this time is to get some well deserved rest. It's my opportunity to get some extra sleep, since I usually don't get more than six hours per day.
I read my Chinese horoscope for this year, and it's rather mixed. I try not to put too much faith in these things, because I don't want to hope for too much. But I did say a prayer to God last night for what I hoped for the new year, and bottom line is, I want things to get better. I also prayed for those that I cared about, including those whom I am no longer close to.
I'll see you guys later, I have a date with tomorrow.
The celebrations are finally in full swing. People are travelling, visiting, laughing and dining together. But for me and my family, it's a rather quiet affair. We're not the social kind, nor do we spend time with relatives much. However we celebrate in our own way, sticking to tradition still, albeit on a smaller scale.
For the past two weeks, everywhere I went I'd see stuff associated with the new year. Red lanterns, red decorations, new things, lion dances, mall performances, and the one thing I dread the most: new year songs! Why? Because it's all in Mandarin, and I'm not well versed in that language. On top of that, it's always the same songs playing again and again, and I'm sick of it. It's there everywhere I go.
But the idea of getting ang pow and welcoming some good fortune for the new year is still appealing in some way, so I do like this time of year. And the most important thing for me this time is to get some well deserved rest. It's my opportunity to get some extra sleep, since I usually don't get more than six hours per day.
I read my Chinese horoscope for this year, and it's rather mixed. I try not to put too much faith in these things, because I don't want to hope for too much. But I did say a prayer to God last night for what I hoped for the new year, and bottom line is, I want things to get better. I also prayed for those that I cared about, including those whom I am no longer close to.
I'll see you guys later, I have a date with tomorrow.
Monday, January 12, 2009
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