The End & The Beginning

So here I am, less than 8 hours away from a new year. Looking back, I don't really know how to sum up 2006. Maybe it's because the things that happen in my life seem quite insignificant. I know I am insignificant to most people, but I'd like to think I made a difference or a small impact to some people in this world.

So what do I have to say about this year that's worth mentioning? Well, I'd start with the very thing you're reading right now. I never thought I would be able to carry it this far, but I did. This is FR's 52nd entry, and I'm quite proud of that. I still don't consider myself much of a writer. I guess I'm still working on that.

What else? Yeah, I met these five unique women who have changed the balance of things in my life. They intrigue me, for some reason. I wish I could explain it somehow, but I'm as much in the dark about this as I was when it began. Things between me and them are still uncertain though. I'd like to believe their presence in my life means something, since a considerable portion of my thoughts are focused on them. But only God knows why. Or perhaps this is all just another thing altogether and I'm insane. But it won't be the first time.

I've had some happy moments this year, and sad ones too. And some friendships changed, some for the better, and I'm glad for that. I just hope it'll stay that way, or become even stronger than it is now. In our crazy world, relationships have the tendency to fall apart a whole lot easier than the effort it took to build it. Like it takes only 10 seconds to demolish a building that took 5 years to build. We should remember the people that matter, because someday it could all disappear, and all we have left are memories. So let those memories be good ones.

For 2007, I wish for a better year than the one I'm leaving behind. Hopefully I'll accomplish some things, be able to do what I had always wanted to do, meet some new people, be a better person. I pray that the world will be a better place by this time next year. I know it's just wishful thinking, but I can hope. And I also wish for all my friends and people I care about (you know who you are) to have a good year too. Thank you for coming over and reading my words every week, it means a lot to me.

I'll leave you with a picture from one of the most anticipated movie sequels in 2007, Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. Happy New Year, everyone. And be good.

It's Not Over

OK, I haven't updated this place for a while now. I would have, but there was a slight technical problem concerning the power source in my room. The wall socket overloaded and burnt my plug, thankfully there was no fire and my computer is undamaged. But that left me with no way to turn on my PC for 2 days until I got myself a long extension wire to connect it to a socket outside my room. And this is what I will use until the electrician comes over next week to make a new socket in here.

So what's new, other than the fact that Christmas is just outside our doorstep? Speaking of Christmas, everywhere I look there's something that reminds me of it. I was at the mall and everywhere I turned, there was a Christmas feel to it. Christmas trees, Christmas decorations, Christmas sale, Santa walking around handing out candy to the kids, parents shopping for their children, stage performances, people wearing red hats.....it's overwhelming. But I like it though. I like this season, even though I do not celebrate Christmas. It's the season when everyone is in the mood for celebrating. Hmm, okay maybe not everyone. Some people are quite disillusioned by the way this season has been commercialised somewhat, and some people have sad memories of Christmas, but thankfully for me I have nothing against it. Maybe the only thing I don't really enjoy is the caroling, I don't know why. But then again, I don't do caroling, so what do I know?

This week turned out quite okay for me. Some small incidents made me believe in hope a little more. And I needed that, though I know I've got a mountain to climb, and it may just get harder from here on in. But I'll never stop fighting, I need to work my way back up, one step at a time.

Been listening to It's Not Over by Daughtry (hence the title of this entry). Daughtry is a new band led by American Idol finalist Chris Daughtry, and this song somehow caught my attention immediately. It's like an inspiration for me to carry on in life, and I hope this song will do the same for my friend who's in a crisis. She needs the strength to fight for what she believes in, but she has many obstacles to overcome. Despite her current misfortune, I know she can beat the odds. She's a survivor, and she's stronger than she's ever been. I just hope she realises that too and not give up on me, not when I haven't given up on her. I will pray for her.

Merry Xmas, God Jul, Feliz Navidad, Maligayang Pasko and Selamat Hari Natal, everyone. Stay well and be happy.

Wake Up Call

It had to happen sooner or later. It's my fault for not seeing it coming right at me. My first rule is to always be prepared, but this time I guess I failed myself.

So what happened? My superior at work had a talk with me today about my progress. And no, it wasn't good. Apparently I'm a disappointment to him. He's not satisfied with my work, claiming I can do better blah blah blah etc. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy that experience. Nobody likes being criticised, no matter what or why. Period.

But you know what? He's right. About 70% of the stuff he said was understandable. I have been too complacent about things, taking my work for granted a little more than I should. So I probably deserved that. And I got some time to make up for this or the people higher up the food chain is gonna hear about me. And I DO NOT want to get there.

So I have to fix myself now. I have to get up and run faster, push harder, climb higher. It's not easy when I think about it. I know I've said that when we fall, we should just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue. Now it's my turn, and well, it is going to be harder to do than to say it. I admit it. But I've been here before, and I know where I need to go. I usually do better when pressure is upon me, so I know I can do this. And I want to, because the alternative to this is something I don't want to consider.

Today's lesson: be prepared, or you'll get a rude awakening.

What Matters?

There are times when I need to get a hold of myself. Take stock of what's happening around me, make sense of things, get a foothold on reality, not letting negative vibes get to me. But it's not easy, because my world isn't as pleasing to the senses as I'd like.

Tell me how you would feel if you got yelled at by somebody. Doesn't matter who it is, doesn't matter what it's about, doesn't matter if you deserved it or not. What would you do? Are you going to cry about it? Or are you going to forget it instantly and move on? Or are you going to let it consume your heart bit by bit and let it take over your mind for a while? How would you deal with it?

You know what? It doesn't matter. All choices suck in some way. Even if you gave me a fourth choice of dealing with that person diplomatically and solving things, it's no guarantee. Why? Because everyone has an ego. It all depends on how big it is. Some people are blessed with really tiny ones, and those are the people you can deal with fairly. But how do you deal with the everyday folk that take you and your feelings for granted?

Here's another one: how do you feel when people you care about and like, take you for granted? You try so hard to prove to them you're worth their time, and they ignore you. What do you do? Is it their fault, or are you just not good enough? Hell, I don't know anymore. A lot of times I don't know why I keep trying. Something is driving me forward, despite me feeling like I'm stuck in the mud with no way out and no way forward. I can't go back, that's the past. What is there left to do?

A lot of people matter to me. For a select few, I wonder if I matter to them.

The Truth

There's a saying that goes "Truth is merely a perception." It probably means that what you think is the truth is actually your interpretation of things. Someone else's version of the truth may be different, and it is no less wrong than yours. And because of that, talking about the truth can lead to discord and misunderstandings.

The fact is, truth hurts. Most of the time anyway. When you want to talk about the truth, how do you know that it's really true? Is it based on an opinion you have? How do you know someone else doesn't have a different opinion about the subject matter and disputes your opinion? That's when you realise that you may have been wrong. You may find some things being revealed to you that you didn't know before, and it may hurt.

I had an argument with a couple of people today, about things that we have talked about before. I told them how I felt, and they responded in kind. I hated having that little blowout, but it was then that I realised how differently we see things. I still believe in the way I think, however. But this argument brought out all the things we had always wanted to say, which wasn't exactly nice to begin with. And at the end of it, the matter still isn't settled completely. It never is. I guess we're all too proud to give in and relent. Though we do, on occasion, for everyone's sake.

I have been in situations where revealing the truth isn't exactly the best idea. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. They say the truth shall set you free, but not always. The truth may open a Pandora's box, or the proverbial can of worms, so to speak. You get to find out some things you never knew, and you wonder if they were worth knowing in the first place. Makes you think if you really knew someone as well as you thought. Would it have been better if you believed the lie instead? That's certainly a dilemma.

But for me, this talk about truth has made me wonder about something else. What if my perception of some people I know is wrong? What if the truth is they're not who I think they are? Does that mean that my gift of judging someone's character accurately is waning? That is truly disconcerting for me. I can't afford to risk that. I'll just have to do better.