Mixed Emotions

Things are changing. Things are still the same. Things are happening all around me. Most of them by surprise. Some though are quite expected, and the emotion it triggers is familiar. Bottom line: I don't really know what to feel right now.

So where do I start with this entry? How do I tell you what the past 24 hours have been like? How different will it be from the previous entries I have made? Maybe I'll begin by saying I'm torn between being happy and being negative about some emotions that keep burning up inside of me.

I ran into an old colleague yesterday, looking as pretty and enthusiastic as ever since the last time I saw her. It was cool, the fact that she still remembered me was indeed a nice surprise. I learned that she was going to get married sometime next year, which was great news. But just like before, it took a while for the feeling of envy to sink in. Only when we left each other later did the feeling arise. But that's my fault, for letting it happen. I know all about not being able to control how you feel half the time, but these are the times when I am reminded that I'm not really content with my life, though most of the time it feels like I am.

I was feeling a little left out last night, and maybe even now, for there hasn't been many people to talk to online lately. Someone I care about is missing, some other people are happy but not around to share it. And I don't know, but my envy for them starts to come back again too. And damn it, I don't need this. I should be happy for them, but it's hard. I care about them, so I can't help but be happy for that, but negativity still lingers. And I fear for them too. Now all my weaknesses are coming forth for everyone to see. I can't quite hide it any longer.

But every cloud does have a silver lining. Something good happened today. Let's just say that it's enough to make me smile inside. I know it won't last very long, because it's all about the moment and not the reality of the whole thing. It's all about setting my expectations low and waiting for the right moment. So I'll enjoy it while the feeling lasts.

The only thing I can say for sure right now, is that something's missing. I don't have happiness. At least not the kind that can make me forget the depressed feelings I have now. Even among friends, I feel alone. Just like some of you can't bear being reminded about failure, people or the past, I can't be reminded about loneliness. It tears me up inside.