Self Destruction

I think I'm sick. Not in a medical sense, but deep down inside me. I feel sick, I keep punishing myself, beating myself up, feeling depressed, moody, angry.....and all this even when I know it's not healthy. I shouldn't do it. Period.

I mean, I should know better, right? It's just another petty thing. Petty things that I would use as an excuse to turn myself inside out, to feel furious, feel like I've been wronged, like I have the right to be mad because I can. So why do I do it? I don't know, maybe I don't have the patience for it, when it keeps happening over and over.

So I'd sulk and not talk to people when this happens. It's the better alternative, than having an emotional outburst. That would just drag everyone else into my personal hell, and it gets ugly from there. Better for me to just stay in hell alone. But no, sometimes that doesn't work, surprise surprise. Because someone always has to stick their head in and annoy me.

There's someone who always know how to just push my buttons, and I really hate it when she watches my attitude and goes "Why do you always have to be like that? Why can't you just be happy?" I could never get that, like how am I supposed to be happy when I don't feel like it? How am I supposed to smile when I feel so pissed or depressed? How am I supposed to not complain when she started it in the first place? She wants me to lighten up and go with the flow just because SHE wants me to? Hell, I've been doing that almost all my life, for her sake. She can't understand what I'm about anyway, so that's that. Yeah, and when things like that happen, and spin out of control, that's when it starts. I wish it didn't. And I tried so hard to be patient, but it turns out some people don't get it. Or they don't want my patience, they want compliance. It always has to be my sacrifice. Either way I'm screwed up.

Okay, I'm done complaining. I'm gonna look forward to Friday. Why? In case you have been away from planet Earth all June, the World Cup is upon us. The home team, Germany play Argentina on Friday. I'm not much of a football fan, but I do love the World Cup. For the record, I'm cheering for Germany. This is going to be a classic. Can't wait.